Secrets of a Girl

By Krista Marie

It's a million years ago, and we're sitting in his car or his parent's car, but it's not my car. He has all these cd's, and he's playing me his favorite song from each one. He's playing me these songs to tell me how he feels. I think maybe I should hold his hand, but I just lay my head against the window and stare out into everything.

Later that night as we lay in bed he confesses his love. I recognize his words as lyrics from one of those songs. I don't know if I should kiss him or turn away, so I take his hand in mine. He continues his speech, still stealing the words. I can see his face grow a shade of red as I take his hand and lay it on my chest. I mean to show him that my breathing has doubled, but he also notices the softness of my cashmere sweater and the skin beneath it. His song is over, and so he waits for my response. I bring my lips close to his ear. His fingers circle my breast as I whisper him a song:

"Guess I'm too shy to let you know.
My heart's in control.
This time I know that everything will be okay.
I don't know what you would think.
I don't know what to expect.
No matter what happens you will be my friend.
I'm not going to mess this up.
I don't want to end with regrets."

I didn't spend a lot of time with his poem, and it shows. But I like the feeling, so here you go.


Tell Me You Love Me
By Krista

I've been waiting far too long
And you've been closing your eyes
So forgive me now
While I stand up to leave
I just can't build my life
Around your uncertainty.
I've been here for you
Since the first day we met
Please let that resonate
In the days to come.
I can't change our fate
No more than I can change the weather
But oh how I wish I could.
The best thing I can do
Is promise you a tomorrow
And surprise you with dreams.


P.S. Check out the song I'm listening to. The lyrics are amazing, and the song is beautiful in a sad way.

We all have our moments, right? Our moments of weakness. Those times when you wish you were free, without the responsibilities of your everyday life. Those times you just want to pack up and leave. Lately those times have become more frequent, and mostly I just wait until things go back to normal. I am constantly telling myself there is no greener grass then that which I play in now. Life could not possibly get any sweeter than this. Besides once I have followed what intrigues, something else will just get in the way. It is not the person, nor the challenge, but the mere thought of there being something better.Isn't that what it means to be human anyway? The pursuit to better ourselves. It's an animal instinct that drives us. On a night where this seems so clear to me now, I pray for that clarity to last until tomorrow. Without it I will fail.

He is sleeping like a child, his head softly against the thin pillow he prefers. Just last night he was complaining that mine was much too soft when they were mixed up. I can't help but smile, and wonder what he dreams. I would like to be in those dreams, accomplishing the unbelievable with him. But tonight I sit alone, at least in spirit and I hang my head in the glare of the monitor light. This tension is building inside of me now, ever since I stopped taking that fucking pill. Sometimes I wish I never took it at all, but I try to remind myself I would have repeated past mistakes. At the first sign of happiness I would have ran from it with full force. I would have made up some stupid problem and shed my skin. I would have gone home to my mother, dressed in the clothes of a failure, and she would have prayed that I might find my path... soon.

I was sick of disappointing everyone, sick of following my routine. There just seemed to be no point. Where would it take me? Would I eventually fall into the arms of someone who do the same to me? After all it is what I deserve.

I walk up to my one love and gently kiss him on the cheek. My eyelashes catch my tears and soon the room is cloudy. I brush them away with the sleeves of my white shirt and curl up into a ball. I wish he would wake up, I wish he would see me now. So he could rescue me from myself, just one more time. So he could wipe away my tears and show me the correct direction. I need to be taught again, please wake up. Please wake up.